Ok, so I know I totally bagged on the medical community a few blogs ago, but I give myself permission to completely change my mind! Despite the harshness of that appointment, during my first voice therapy session today, the scope showed that my cyst has been fully removed from my vocal cord, the steroids have reduced the swelling and my voice is on its way to recovery... I could HEAR the difference during my new humming exercises. The "lost pitches" have been found and now I AM DYING TO SING!!
Given my progress, I was released to do a small amount of speaking in a "confidential" voice. You guessed it, the bridle was taken off of a wild horse and I did not get an "A" in monitoring what was worth saying. I just wanted to everything to be back to the way it was. Especially in talking to and parenting Garith. He noticed right away, "You got your voice back!"
I'm currently realizing how much energy I have put into trying to control my little man and his actions with my words. "3 chances then time out" lost its effectiveness in the last week without my tone of voice and explanations of why he's in trouble. Facial expressions can only go so far and quite honestly, he started to just turn away from me. His manners have also fallen through the cracks without my constant reminders for "please," "thank you," and "excuse me." Routines, rules, consequences and compassion... all a part of the job of a parent.
I've also noticed that what I choose to say to discourage a behavior can really be hurtful like "You are still saying mean things to me, so I don't want to play with you anymore." I don't want to be a mean mommy, but when Garith is testing his limits, I find myself buckling down hard.
So, my voice is TIRED. I can tell that I pushed it too hard even though I was only at 10% of my typical day.
For tomorrow, I promise myself that I will NOT talk as much. I will think about what I need to say and let the rest go. I will trust myself. I will trust my child. I will trust God.
Keep us in your prayers and thank you for reading this blog!!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
"Say What You Need To Say"
I'm not going to blame the steroid pack completely, but WHOAH, BABY have I been EMOTIONAL lately. Ever seen "Blind Side" with Sandra Bullock? Well, given that Garith crashed out early, we On Demanded it and Andy had to pause it about 20 minutes in 'cuz I needed to have a full blown SOB SESSION! It was kinda nice not having my voice. Andy knew I couldn't tell him what was wrong, so he just knelt next to me and held me tight. I felt so loved and it was incredible to let that childhood hurt bubble up and out and not be able to try to stop it with my words of explanation. After about 3 minutes of these waves, I was able to calm my breath and Andy pulled back to look me in the eye. What came out of his mouth made me laugh harder than I have in YEARS: "Do you think it's just the steroids or is there something else?"
At that moment, I broke my vow of silence, but I couldn't even get it out because I was laughing too hard. Next thing you know, Andy and I are both laughing hysterically and the look on his face was priceless when I finally could put it together in audible words: "I think it's the ROIDS, man!"
Needless to say, there have been many highs and lows lately. Maybe it is the roids or maybe it's the impact of not having my voice for a week.
One thing for sure, I'm learning that saying what I need to say doesn't always come in the form of a discussion. Maybe another song title can be "Feel What You Need To Feel"?
At that moment, I broke my vow of silence, but I couldn't even get it out because I was laughing too hard. Next thing you know, Andy and I are both laughing hysterically and the look on his face was priceless when I finally could put it together in audible words: "I think it's the ROIDS, man!"
Needless to say, there have been many highs and lows lately. Maybe it is the roids or maybe it's the impact of not having my voice for a week.
One thing for sure, I'm learning that saying what I need to say doesn't always come in the form of a discussion. Maybe another song title can be "Feel What You Need To Feel"?
Saturday, May 22, 2010
The tables have turned!
Now I am the patient and, boy, did I get PISSED yesterday! Situation: I called 4 weeks ago to schedule my follow up voice therapy only to be told that they would schedule that at my follow-up appointment. Well that was yesterday and after the LONGEST appointment of my life (see below), I was told the first voice therapy appointment was in 3 weeks! Are you freaking kidding me?? I just had surgery on my VOICE people!! And it's hard to raise hell without one, but I did my best! I was huffing and puffing like I had run a marathon and my eyes probably looked like they were gonna roll outta my head! I was being as obvious as I could short of flipping her and the whole office off (even though it wasn't her fault). My main point was that is WAS NOT OK to schedule my first appointment at the end of my medical leave!I'm sure it was comical to the scheduler... at first. She got pretty serious after I wrote down that I wanted to make a complaint. I received a call an hour after leaving and got in next Wednesday. Awwww, that's better. :)
Ok, here's a little more NEW perspective regarding the medical community. I pride myself on being respectful of my patient's time. Now, I'm not always right on the dot, but if I'm 5 minutes late, we make it up at the end. Let me just tell you how the WORST APPOINTMENT OF MY LIFE went: The ENT comes in, sprays my nose with numbing agent 'cuz he's gonna take a look at how the healing's going. He leaves for 25 minutes, comes back for 5 horrible minutes of unsuccessfully forcing an endoscope through my very much alive right nostril, pulling it back out, spraying the other side and leaving for another 20 minutes... Oh, GOD, NO! Yep, he comes back and almost puts the endoscope back down the right side. I gestured that he numbed the other side and he again says, "Stop me if it hurts TOO much." Of course it's gonna hurt too much, you numbed it 20 minutes ago!! Suffice to say, I squeezed those armrests, let some tears fall and gagged 3 times, but all and all was a big girl about the whole thing. As he's walking out, he says I look pretty red and swollen still and given my vocal quality, he's prescribing steroids to help the healing process out. Then says I need to start voice therapy ASAP.
The most frustrating part of this: This type of experience happens ALL the time, to ALL kinds of patients and their families. It happens to adults and children alike. It happens after SERIOUS diagnoses and surgeries!
I knew better than to say that I would wait 3 weeks for voice therapy. What if I weren't a speech language pathologist??
It PISSES ME OFF and makes me want to do that much better as a medical professional. I will continue to work to earn the trust of the families and kids that I work with. And to treat their time and feelings with care and respect... not to mention COMPASSION.
If this strikes a nerve for any of you, let me know! I am going to write a letter of complaint and will take any feedback about similar experiences to better the service I give!
Ok, here's a little more NEW perspective regarding the medical community. I pride myself on being respectful of my patient's time. Now, I'm not always right on the dot, but if I'm 5 minutes late, we make it up at the end. Let me just tell you how the WORST APPOINTMENT OF MY LIFE went: The ENT comes in, sprays my nose with numbing agent 'cuz he's gonna take a look at how the healing's going. He leaves for 25 minutes, comes back for 5 horrible minutes of unsuccessfully forcing an endoscope through my very much alive right nostril, pulling it back out, spraying the other side and leaving for another 20 minutes... Oh, GOD, NO! Yep, he comes back and almost puts the endoscope back down the right side. I gestured that he numbed the other side and he again says, "Stop me if it hurts TOO much." Of course it's gonna hurt too much, you numbed it 20 minutes ago!! Suffice to say, I squeezed those armrests, let some tears fall and gagged 3 times, but all and all was a big girl about the whole thing. As he's walking out, he says I look pretty red and swollen still and given my vocal quality, he's prescribing steroids to help the healing process out. Then says I need to start voice therapy ASAP.
The most frustrating part of this: This type of experience happens ALL the time, to ALL kinds of patients and their families. It happens to adults and children alike. It happens after SERIOUS diagnoses and surgeries!
I knew better than to say that I would wait 3 weeks for voice therapy. What if I weren't a speech language pathologist??
It PISSES ME OFF and makes me want to do that much better as a medical professional. I will continue to work to earn the trust of the families and kids that I work with. And to treat their time and feelings with care and respect... not to mention COMPASSION.
If this strikes a nerve for any of you, let me know! I am going to write a letter of complaint and will take any feedback about similar experiences to better the service I give!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Reality is... nothing stays the same!
Yesterday was tough. It was super hard not having Andy here to talk Garith through small bumps which were LARGE bumps in his road. Then, not hearing back from Andy last night led to a night and morning of worry. He wasn't here as planned and it ended up he was at a structure fire all night. He was the pump operator and no one was hurt. Thank God.
Without going into details, I am learning LOADS about communication. We have words, but I'm thinking I've underestimated the power of TOUCH and eye contact. I find myself wanting to "fix" hard situations with words. It makes me wonder what would happen if I just hugged Garith or Andy when they are frustrated and would they allow me to? I want to get stern with my voice when Garith or Andy are challenging me, and my physical side wants to lash out. What would happen if I just sat quietly, removed myself from the situation or, again, just surrendered to being held until my anger subsided? Of course, I'm thinking what if I did this all the time, not just when I can't speak. Things that make me go "hmmmm..."
Another thought that occured to me: As a pediatric speech therapist, I'm in the business of anticipating what a child is going to or wants to say. I take it for granted that Andy will naturally be able to put words into my mouth or ask me the right question... or at least want to give it a shot! It's like if he really knew me, he would know what I wanted to say! Logically, that couldn't be further from the truth, but it's what crosses my mind. I'm starting to appreciate that I spend my days giving kids choices and asking them yes/no questions in an effort to make their life less frustrating. Well... after this experience, I'm going to keep doing that! No one wants to sit in silence all day. I'd prefer to hear ALL about you in extreme detail during these days of my own silence.
So yesterday I also faced cashiers and some other adults. Everything goes quiet when I gesture that I can't speak: they start to gesture or whisper or simply say, "oh, ok..." like, no problem, we just won't talk then! Not everyone completely shut down, but most did and it is interesting.
Lastly, if I do happen to call you OR if you call me (which I'd love to hear how you are doing!), here is the code that my sister, Rachel, and I came up with:
one beep= yes
two beeps= no
one raspberry= I love you, you're the best
series of raspberries= laughing
series of lip smacking= gotta go
I've got to still come up for one that means "tell me more." If there's one thing I'm learning, it's that I don't want people to cut their stories so short or stop talking to me so fast!
How can this only be day 3? :)
Love and hugs,
Snow
Without going into details, I am learning LOADS about communication. We have words, but I'm thinking I've underestimated the power of TOUCH and eye contact. I find myself wanting to "fix" hard situations with words. It makes me wonder what would happen if I just hugged Garith or Andy when they are frustrated and would they allow me to? I want to get stern with my voice when Garith or Andy are challenging me, and my physical side wants to lash out. What would happen if I just sat quietly, removed myself from the situation or, again, just surrendered to being held until my anger subsided? Of course, I'm thinking what if I did this all the time, not just when I can't speak. Things that make me go "hmmmm..."
Another thought that occured to me: As a pediatric speech therapist, I'm in the business of anticipating what a child is going to or wants to say. I take it for granted that Andy will naturally be able to put words into my mouth or ask me the right question... or at least want to give it a shot! It's like if he really knew me, he would know what I wanted to say! Logically, that couldn't be further from the truth, but it's what crosses my mind. I'm starting to appreciate that I spend my days giving kids choices and asking them yes/no questions in an effort to make their life less frustrating. Well... after this experience, I'm going to keep doing that! No one wants to sit in silence all day. I'd prefer to hear ALL about you in extreme detail during these days of my own silence.
So yesterday I also faced cashiers and some other adults. Everything goes quiet when I gesture that I can't speak: they start to gesture or whisper or simply say, "oh, ok..." like, no problem, we just won't talk then! Not everyone completely shut down, but most did and it is interesting.
Lastly, if I do happen to call you OR if you call me (which I'd love to hear how you are doing!), here is the code that my sister, Rachel, and I came up with:
one beep= yes
two beeps= no
one raspberry= I love you, you're the best
series of raspberries= laughing
series of lip smacking= gotta go
I've got to still come up for one that means "tell me more." If there's one thing I'm learning, it's that I don't want people to cut their stories so short or stop talking to me so fast!
How can this only be day 3? :)
Love and hugs,
Snow
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
And so, the journey begins!
Most importantly, the surgery went as expected and I came out of anesthesia without an issue, like nausea or vomiting... just a VERY sore throat. It's that burning sensation like breathing in freezing cold air when running outside with each breath and swallow.
It's been strangely quiet in my home since we got home a few hours ago. Andy appears to be mouthing and signing back to me and not talking as much. Maybe I've initiated most of our conversations in the past? I guess all the talking to Garith, my 3 year old, paid off 'cuz he appears to know exactly what has happened and hasn't asked for me to speak. When he was playing doctor with Andy today, he put a piece of Theraband over his mouth! He's currently sitting quietly behind our rocker where he has put all of his pillows and watching TV out the side. We were up most of the night with coughing, so that's part of it! That said, even the nurses caught themselves whispering and signing back to me! It's like feeding a baby, when our mouths MUST open when we're feeding them!
Last night, I went into the office for 4 hours to make 4 overlays for a low tech device. I got to record my voice onto 32 buttons per overlay. My goal was for Garith, my 3 year old to 1) hear my voice 2) hear my typical phrases (good and bad) 3) keep some normalcy while I can't talk. I made one for morning, after school and night time for Garith. And one for Andy with adult messages like "Whose going to go get beer?" and "You're a hottie McGillacutti!"
Garith's surprisingly good at reading my lips, but Andy's still getting used to that and my MANY signs, so I'm writing on a pad of paper for him :). Both Garith and Andy are using my TechSpeak: Garith selects "Do you wanna go get a big prize?" and "You can watch Wubbzy tonight you get to sleep in." And Andy hits "No" and "No playing with toys" over and over to get Garith's reaction. ANDY IS MAKING IT VERY HARD NOT TO LAUGH AND IT HASN'T BEEN 3 HOURS!! I should've made a button that says "NO ANDY" fo sho!
Funny story: I'm a hard stick. After quite the production to get my IV in with a new nurse who couldn't seem to understand why I was bleeding profusely after she had blown a vein, I asked if it MAY have something to do with the tourniquet she left on (my whole arm was purple!). After that, Andy and I were alone and I wanted to have the serious "If, God forbid, anything go horribly wrong: I need you to know..." talk. So, as soon as I uttered those words, a new nurse came in. We busted out laughing! When she left, I was able to finish my thought, "I want an open casket, a surprised face put on, make-up and shaved legs with my zebra-print dress." Andy's worried people will judge him for the suprised look, especially since if it's not done just right, could be interpreted as offensive. Of course, I got myself choked up making sure Andy and Garith knew how much I try to be the best wife and mommy I can and do better when I know better. And that the ONLY reason I was getting this procedure done is because my voice and singing equals my JOY that bubbles up from within... God put it there and I am just now recognizing the power of it all!
So... there's the beginning of the current story: not near as bad as I thought it would be! Of course, it's only been a few hours and I haven't had to venture out into public. Life without a drive-thru is an adventure in itself, but maybe there will be less of a need with me home?? Crazier things have happened!
I love you all and thank you for your prayers, love and following my blog!
Hugs!
Snow
It's been strangely quiet in my home since we got home a few hours ago. Andy appears to be mouthing and signing back to me and not talking as much. Maybe I've initiated most of our conversations in the past? I guess all the talking to Garith, my 3 year old, paid off 'cuz he appears to know exactly what has happened and hasn't asked for me to speak. When he was playing doctor with Andy today, he put a piece of Theraband over his mouth! He's currently sitting quietly behind our rocker where he has put all of his pillows and watching TV out the side. We were up most of the night with coughing, so that's part of it! That said, even the nurses caught themselves whispering and signing back to me! It's like feeding a baby, when our mouths MUST open when we're feeding them!
Last night, I went into the office for 4 hours to make 4 overlays for a low tech device. I got to record my voice onto 32 buttons per overlay. My goal was for Garith, my 3 year old to 1) hear my voice 2) hear my typical phrases (good and bad) 3) keep some normalcy while I can't talk. I made one for morning, after school and night time for Garith. And one for Andy with adult messages like "Whose going to go get beer?" and "You're a hottie McGillacutti!"
Garith's surprisingly good at reading my lips, but Andy's still getting used to that and my MANY signs, so I'm writing on a pad of paper for him :). Both Garith and Andy are using my TechSpeak: Garith selects "Do you wanna go get a big prize?" and "You can watch Wubbzy tonight you get to sleep in." And Andy hits "No" and "No playing with toys" over and over to get Garith's reaction. ANDY IS MAKING IT VERY HARD NOT TO LAUGH AND IT HASN'T BEEN 3 HOURS!! I should've made a button that says "NO ANDY" fo sho!
Funny story: I'm a hard stick. After quite the production to get my IV in with a new nurse who couldn't seem to understand why I was bleeding profusely after she had blown a vein, I asked if it MAY have something to do with the tourniquet she left on (my whole arm was purple!). After that, Andy and I were alone and I wanted to have the serious "If, God forbid, anything go horribly wrong: I need you to know..." talk. So, as soon as I uttered those words, a new nurse came in. We busted out laughing! When she left, I was able to finish my thought, "I want an open casket, a surprised face put on, make-up and shaved legs with my zebra-print dress." Andy's worried people will judge him for the suprised look, especially since if it's not done just right, could be interpreted as offensive. Of course, I got myself choked up making sure Andy and Garith knew how much I try to be the best wife and mommy I can and do better when I know better. And that the ONLY reason I was getting this procedure done is because my voice and singing equals my JOY that bubbles up from within... God put it there and I am just now recognizing the power of it all!
So... there's the beginning of the current story: not near as bad as I thought it would be! Of course, it's only been a few hours and I haven't had to venture out into public. Life without a drive-thru is an adventure in itself, but maybe there will be less of a need with me home?? Crazier things have happened!
I love you all and thank you for your prayers, love and following my blog!
Hugs!
Snow
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Having surgery on my voice next week...
I've been a pediatric speech-language pathologist for 11 years who works with families who have children with a variety of issues (from not talking or not eating as expected) for a variety of reasons. My profession is talking and I'm an amateur singer/songwriter. I know only my family have heard my songs, but I've written over 30 and the only thing that would give me the confidence to sing for a larger audience would be to trust my voice. In high school I was a soprano in choir and I come from a long line of entertainers. My parents were in a band when I was a kid and my dad continued a "one man band" until 5 years ago. My sisters have both recorded in studios and one was the lead singer of a band. Their daughters blow me away with their studio recordings!! Now, I'm a definite low alto with a range of about 7 notes... seriously. When I try to go higher... it's just air or a screaching sound. That said, no public kareoke for me... or when I do, I will be mouthing many of the words! The issues of a hoarse voice started about 10 years ago, but really has gotten worse in the past 2 to 5. So, they found a CYST on my vocal cord and suggested I have it removed. I decided to do it sooner than later because my voice is my profession, my JOY, my life. If I look at it as a sign from God, He would be telling me to take care of my voice... you only get one.
The clencher was that my insurance is changing in July. I know the surgery and voice therapy is covered 100% right now. Thus, the one hour procedure is scheduled for next Tuesday (5/18) which will be followed by two weeks of complete vocal rest. SILENCE. WHOAH. Here are the rules:
I must not:
• Speak
• Sing
• Hum
• Whisper
• Cough
• Throat clear
• Laugh (I can smile!)
• Lift or push heavy objects
• Make forceful efforts during bowel movements (I don't have to worry about this!lol)
• Smoke (luckily quit 5 years ago)
This will be a very interesting journey that I will share with you because I will NEED to know that I am communicating with my friends! I'm not one for lengthy texting or phone conversations, but I've always loved to write!
The hardest part may be parenting my 3 y/o especially since Andy is a fire fighter so there will be days that are just the two of us... I rented a communication device so I will be able to program 32 messages with my voice to talk to my little guy.
Maybe I should make an overlay for talking with my hubby?? 32 opportunities to say what I need to say!!
It's such a trip to think about the "messages" I will want and need to say to my 3 year old and my hubby!!
The icing on the top of this cake will not be being able to sing my heart out, but seeing COMMUNICATION from my little patients perspective for an ever-so-brief time compared. If I get frustrated, I will have a small taste of how they may feel. It is always my goal to become a better speech-language pathologist... I can tell this is going to be BIG in those terms.
I hope you will enjoy, find humor in and maybe even help me see the MANY gifts that will come from this once in a lifetime experience...
I'll post in FB when I update this blog if I can.
Love to all!
Snow
The clencher was that my insurance is changing in July. I know the surgery and voice therapy is covered 100% right now. Thus, the one hour procedure is scheduled for next Tuesday (5/18) which will be followed by two weeks of complete vocal rest. SILENCE. WHOAH. Here are the rules:
I must not:
• Speak
• Sing
• Hum
• Whisper
• Cough
• Throat clear
• Laugh (I can smile!)
• Lift or push heavy objects
• Make forceful efforts during bowel movements (I don't have to worry about this!lol)
• Smoke (luckily quit 5 years ago)
This will be a very interesting journey that I will share with you because I will NEED to know that I am communicating with my friends! I'm not one for lengthy texting or phone conversations, but I've always loved to write!
The hardest part may be parenting my 3 y/o especially since Andy is a fire fighter so there will be days that are just the two of us... I rented a communication device so I will be able to program 32 messages with my voice to talk to my little guy.
Maybe I should make an overlay for talking with my hubby?? 32 opportunities to say what I need to say!!
It's such a trip to think about the "messages" I will want and need to say to my 3 year old and my hubby!!
The icing on the top of this cake will not be being able to sing my heart out, but seeing COMMUNICATION from my little patients perspective for an ever-so-brief time compared. If I get frustrated, I will have a small taste of how they may feel. It is always my goal to become a better speech-language pathologist... I can tell this is going to be BIG in those terms.
I hope you will enjoy, find humor in and maybe even help me see the MANY gifts that will come from this once in a lifetime experience...
I'll post in FB when I update this blog if I can.
Love to all!
Snow
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